My Mind No Mind

Moral of the story is ...Ergo, ego!!

2011-03-14T02:39:00.000-07:00

This happened at the Vipassana center. The second time I went. I had the arrogance of a serious meditator, who had been `serious' the first time round too:) That happens with spiritual people, the rise of such a subtle arrogance that it can bypass the juding, objective mind!

The lady in front was wearing a low waist sareee, over which her stomach drooped. Her pallav seemed to keep slipping between her huge breasts. And possibly with the same judgemental thot that could hit anybody, I thot, 'Why is she here! This place is not for people like her..." and something to that effort. But fortunately for me, just as soon as that thot came, another came, to stifle it:"U are meditating? This is your idea of meditating, believing u love the world but secretly judge it so harshly?? " So, there were options -- of two thots -- I could identify with. Both had risen from the ego -- one, `bad'; the other,'`good'.

Then finally a third one came, for which I am thankful, which said, "These are thots that just came up. U don't need to identify with either. Step back." All this happens in less than a fraction of a second. Plus, it is not all laid out in a verbal format.. Plus, they are not individual ones. These are slivers of thots, layered, so u may think they are one. But I realised that once u reacted to the thot, it became u. If u did not react, u could keep it aside. The first thot just came... possibly it would be natural to most observant people. The second one, in the guise of spiritual observer, also was dangerous, because if u identified with that, then u, by proxy, identified with the first one too!!! A lot of spiritual anger -- mine esp -- comes from that, where the anger turns upon oneself (for being a judgemental bitch:), plus because u end up reacting and mulling over these thoughts which slip back and forth between judging, suppressing. The judging thot tries to find rationalisation for judging, and the suppressing thot, tries to reason that out. A lot of subconscious garbage is generated this way. So I just stepped back, seeing the thot as it came, deciding, it was a thot, and I was choosing not to associate with it. And I was not going to react to me reacting either! This is where I had been stuck a long while too, and can be the very hell, because thots will not be suppressed or talked out of... U can only disassociate yourself from them! If u watch them, suddenly, it is easy to step aside. Not associate with any thought. And this disassociation is not a matter of technique, but a matter of sheer, pure practice.A constant meditation, a regular practice, and dedication. Then, lo, suddenly, u can watch thots, feelings as they swim up through the `thousand gates of your mind'. The overview, in a fraction of a second, over the thots gives u the natural ability to step aside.

The most amazing part of the story is not all that to-fro morality over a simple, irrelevant thot. That was just the build-up. The amazing thing, is that at the end of the course, the lady comes to hug me. She says that having people like me made her vipassana experience beautiful. This hit me between the eyes. What did she feel? Here I was trying to step my ego aside in not judging her, and she felt love. It seemed to me rather clear that if my ego stepped back, if I willed a thought away, something came through that was not I. That was beautiful because it was not born of the ego. I was thunder-struck.

And no, the story is not yet over.

As we left the Alandi center (it is off Pune, so u must use a state transport bus to reach-leave it), we were bunched up at the gate, forlorn. The state bus was cancelled. The first time, this had happened. And going back to Pune can be an awkward adventure u don't want, esp after an intensive silent retreat.

As I was wondering what I was to do, an old fiat drives up from inside. That lady again. Some of her `friends' (some people form groups even though that is not encouraged and these girls were with this woman that way) moved ahead, hoping for a lift. I wondered which of the two she will ask in. Then, she points out to me," Come, come. I was searching inside the center and rooms for you, for half hour. I wanted to give u a lift till Pune." !!!!

Really. This was a powerful Oh-Lord moment for me. I felt that just the fact that I had set aside a thot (both the good and the bad) that rose from ego towards her meant she felt some great love that flew through us both, connecting us together. I had not done anything at all to encourage the deep warmth she displayed to me. Yet, here she was, choosing me over the others who were ostensibly closer to her, feeling an affection that rose from something else.

Often, I realise this is what my meditation is all about: The overview which tells me if a thot is ego-laced. And the stepping back. This is meditation for me. And things open. Spaces I have not been to. Even in my mind.

Life is so simple, so beautiful, so powerful when u get into that ego-less place.

Toss between indifference or cowardice

2011-02-26T02:21:00.000-08:00

MySpace Codes!The conflict is finally rested in my mind. The last one year has been one of reaching stages, in meditation, where if you are watching the mind 24 x 7 u suddenly ubecome aware of all the options and choices before u. This may be a progress from the earlier stage where one is unaware and following instinct over intuition. That is practically where most of humanity lives its life.. but when the yoga of the mind begins, another dimension falls over your entire life...

So, now in the second stage, the difficulty is when all the options (coloured by instinct, intuition) jam the mind and u feel stifled by those choices. There is a tremendous noise as the options occur, in that split second, which is our life most of the time:) Our life is in the split second choices we make.We are not determined by our big choices, but our actions in the small ones. In the big choices we are governed by our gender, our profession, our family, our upbringing. But in the small choices we step aside from these,and here is where the sense of I rushes up with a clamour. And I realise we feel tired by not having made the right choice. Or if you made the right choice, you feel tired by the self-criticism that a self-protective part of you directs at you. It is a sort of continuous inner static!! Most people when they say they don't have time, they only mean they are in that state of disorganised, confused mind-set where their choices are not yet clear before them, and they are doing nothing to resolve it. But sleeping it off, avoid doing things which are good for them (like yoga) hoping it will go away. As if it ever does:)

So, now as the options tumble out, in moment which is less than a second, it becomes really tough to chose, if you are a novice. These choices are not all same-hued. They are not just choices for self-protection, or self-projection (which is again where most of humanity functions). Self-protective choice is an instinctive response, natural for most of us. The self-protective choices are natural . They are easy to make. But here, in this spiritual maze, the options include self-denying ones which can be directly in contradiction to the larger and common idea of self-protection! So, not only are u tossed for choice. You also wonder if you are wimp to chose things that smash and crash into you! Eg: would u give as much love to a nymphomaniac student who would steal your husband if you turned your back as you would a more dedicated disciplined student!! Would u give the same loving, attentive focus to the student who does not want to pay u money, as the one who does? You get the point??? That sort of choice... :)

Yes, so I toss over such questions:)

MySpace Codes!
Hey, but I like it when Jesus says show the other cheek. I love him for it. We all do. Yet, when we are asked to make a spiritual choice we wonder if we are wimps. This can be completely confusing for a spiritual novice. Same also, when Prophet Mohamed is constantly reviled and does not bother to respond as he tries to get across his idea of a God who is all-pervasive -- you love him for it. There are incidents where he is spat upon, and he does not bother about it. Nor does he lose his cool when the avenging woman who splits-eats the liver of a relative in the war is brought before him, and he spares her death.. So many famous incidents where he shows his disregard for personal insult. The same goes for Lord Buddha.. the several times Ajatsatru tries to dislodge him,and all those attempts to trap him or murder him, including by high-caste priests rattled by his reformist zeal that will deny them their pedastal, pomp and power. How indifferent Buddha is to that. So also with all other saints. So, like my daughter told me," Mom, you are struggling because you are trying to be like those whom you admire". Yes, but when I love them I love them because they are examples of what I want to be.. internally I mean:) I believe that is what each of the saint and prophet wants from their followers. I don't think they want anybody to fight over their reputation -- they never cared for that while alive. But that they want them to follow their way of being, living. So, yes, there we all get stuck, if we aspire...

So, it is in the being like them that I find the biggest difficulty -- They are saints, but if I tried to copy them, I am a coward! My mind can then get tizzy, splitting itself, one choosing what must be done, the other, standing on the sidelines, heckling me constantly... that conflict was so unendurable!!

Tossed, tortured, and thrown about. However, suddenly, last week, since I started this entire inward journey, the conflict resolved on its own. When u don't bother too much about that, but are aware of the infliction, suddenly, it is not about being cowardly, but indifferent.There is a huge difference between these two states of mind. Being indifferent comes from a state of confidence. It is not the same as stepping back. But walking on, indifferent. Suddenly, this conflict is settled. I am at peace.

The world feels right once more.

Interestingly, this has upped my energy levels. I wake up at 3.30 or 4 without the alarm clock. I do my sadhana completely, with extended stays in each pose, largely without effort. There is more time suddenly, to do more, than before.
The question has been settled!!

MySpace Codes!
Then, to move on, from here...

Where??

... to be cont.:)

In the gap between thoughts...

2011-02-21T03:23:00.000-08:00

The Vedas say, it is that gap between two thoughts. That moves faster than a sword out of its sheath in the hands of a brilliant warrior, before thoughts stampede into u, like soldiers into that warrior.

It is there, always -- a hidden, teasing glimmer -- between thoughts that refuse to allow it room...

Occasionally, touching base with that in the crow pose, or when the headstand is effortless and seemingly timeless. Sometimes in the sway of a lush tree. Or in a day well-ended, without quarrel, anxiety or fear. Or in a cup of tea. Or a well-relished meal. But mostly, these days, it comes when a thought is reduced, and mostly when I decide not to pursue a thought. When I deny a thought, It comes...

How do u explain this... it is like watching thoughts unfold, or if there is an emotion -- unnamed but lurking about in the body and mind -- and u can wish and will it away, there I feel It. It is in the denial of what rushes up as I...

It is always in a thought denied... in the sense of I denied.. Chose, It says, between being a Pygmy or a Goliath...

This can be a frightening phase, to deny thoughts (and this denial is allowed only to those who are intensely aware of their thoughts -- what an oxymoron of a space -- how confounding that can be if u did not know that Vedanta, Vedas, Upanishads, they all talk of the space:) since they are biologically created (just streaming neurochemicals or electrical sparks between neurons, if u look at it closely:) to protect u ... Yet, it is only in that... which may explain why I am a chilled out yogi, not looking always to market myself.. I am busy, u know:) Trying to deny myself. It is taking up all my time. When that goes, and when I am not I anymore, then maybe, the market...

Yet, yesterday while glancing at the book Imitation of Shankara, I caught another verse from our ancient treatise (I have to dig it back now, will post when I find it), where it exhorts: Enjoy. Because when you enjoy with gnosis, then it is ok to allow the thief inside. After all if the thief knows you know he is a thief, even he will stop being a foe.

Can u imagine the sophistication of that thought! Mind-blowing!!

A stage of purification -- a state of flowing meditation throughout the day

2010-08-31T01:33:00.000-07:00

Free MySpace Animations!Then there is that place where u have to just watch that nothing impure comes in to the mind. For this, u have to be first be very aware what is entering the mind. Intensely aware of each strand of thought. Two, u cannot compromise one bit here. This is very engaging and also relaxing in a way. U are in a state of deep meditation throughout, whatever u do, since u are watching yourself.

The other thing is about the compromise in thinking. U may think a particular thought is ok since that is a `protective thought', it came to protect you or instruct you so what if it is negative. In this stage, where u decide you will not compromise a lot of choosing begins to happen. Since it has to be simultaneous with rejection, it becomes like a game, where a ball is being thrown, u have to watch out for the opponent's team, keep track of your own position within your team, know your strenghts, and weakness, and if you have reached for the ball, know all about where you expect it to land -- the high intense watchfulness of a nail-biting game. That is what happens at this stage. Since winning (as in rejecting a negative) thought is paramount, you cannot afford to slip. So exciting, this part. It is also draining -- as it would be for someone untrained for a game and is playing it and finds it tough to keep pace... So in different stages of your awareness you may pass through phases where you are exhilarated, drained, or just effortless. The last is the ideal state. But that takes a while, a long while I assume.

That could be the stage where one could give up and say this game is not for you.
However, if you have the clarity of the final goal in your mind, then u can be lucky enough to push yourself mentally...

But you struggle because you are unprepared.... so that is where this sadhana and grace happens. The only thing u can control is your sadhana. Grace is the result.

But I find that instead of struggling what if you reject all thoughts? Ha, but there is a residue of reaction that comes where a thought is suppressed. Unless u have been meditating for a while, you won't know and this where you feel either drained emotionally or feel overwhelmed by your spiritual goals.

So, the thing to reject also involves being aware of what came in the first place. Since we are not all saints, we have to give a counter thought to the negative thought. This becomes intricately crucial initially. Since you are being tested (if it were a maths question) and to prove that you are indeed worthy of your result (that aligns with what your teacher has), you have to prove yourself by taking it one step at a time (as you would, while submitting your answer for a math question, giving all your steps on the answer sheet). This seems to be very important at this stage, because otherwise you will lose track of the final result or know where u are headed. The easy solution, that comes with grace, and is in the realm of saints...

I have noticed that when the thoughts come up, u can allow them the space to be there or reject them with a counter thought. Unless there is a habit of this rejection, the thought roosts and becomes you.... And then there is that attachment of the sense of I to this thought, and all that baggage that you are so desperately trying to jettison:) Unfortunately, since most of this happens at a subconscious level, we all get stuck with patterns that become us, and so difficult to break due to this thing that feeds on itself.

I recall while singing, one day, how Jayshri and I were soaring, I following her every note without fear and she pushing her voice over the scale in the harmonium. But during a lull, while sipping coffee, when Jayshri and I were talking casually, the conversation veered towards someone we both did not much like. We discussed this person for a few seconds, reverting to our singing. Surprisingly, the flow of music was not perfect any more, there were jerks in my pick-up. It astounded both of us who believed it came about because we had been negative. And what struck us both also was that we thought we were just discussing something casually, and were not being negative in the evil way, how did it affect our singing? And as householders (karma sannyasis) were we not entitled to analyse such persons who deliberately came in our path, and who wished to irritate or annoy us.. Apparently, not... !! Otherwise why would the flow be ruined... It seems everything comes with some impact and negative things place a lot of toxic load in us and we are all of us, moving about, with such casual poisoning in us... Sometimes the task seems overwhelming -- what is pure, by yoga definition. But eventually, we can give us ourselves easy formulas for purification. It may hurt us perhaps, but if the goal is intact and the integrity of your attempt intact, most likely you will not feel the pain:)

Some people use negativity and anger and excitement and as well as the need to be entertained (they call it passion) to move ahead in life. That may be their karma. For some us, another goal is set, shorn of entertainment and sere. But something soars in that austere landscape of the mind, when it becomes increasingly pure... That is the thing, u know:)

Money honey: its all in your mind

2010-08-11T01:02:00.000-07:00

Free MySpace Animations!

I am a spendthrift. You know I don't feel so bad about it at all. I take consolation from the fact that before he became realised, when Swami Sivananda was a young doctor in Malaysia, he would throw money about. If he liked something, he will buy five of it, he says. That I read in his biography, published by Divine Life Society.

Louise L. Hay whom I respect a lot as a healer because she has demoed it is possible to heal, prosper and thrive, through her own life's examples -- from childhood sexual abuse, illiteracy, and acute poverty to cancer -- bouncing back without relapse from cancer, and becoming one of the most sought after alternate therapist and a continual best-selling author. Well, she says prosperity comes from a right state of mind. You invite prosperity by being calm and joyful about money. Being panicky, being thrifty where that is not called for, being unable to share, resenting another's prosperity -- all that indicate that you have mentally created hurdles to your own.

Other negative thought patterns that act as a noose around your throat, as you reach out for prosperity are

I will never make it.
Oh, I cannot charge too much (Ha, that I have dropped, as a yoga teacher.).
Money means you must slog for it.

She makes these suggestions and I find it now very powerful, as I finally feel good about being a yoga teacher and being able to believe that it could, by itself, sustain me:)

We must believe we DESERVE IT.
We must make space for new things.
Kiss your bills -- it means you can afford things:)
Feel good about others making big money.
Share your ideas about money-making. It always comes back to you... (I believe in this also. Lot of people fear others will steal their ideas; but the more you give, the more it comes back to you).
Share.
Give.
Visualise. Say aloud what you want: For instance when discussing with family, boldly share a prosperity dream (buying a bungalow, for instance).. It will happen... Hesitating to discuss it, means you have sent the wrong message ...

This is just the gist of it...
You will love reading the full chapter titled Prosperity in her book You Can Heal Your Life (Published by Full Circle, Rs 175).

Breaking it all down:Viyoga, the yoga of separation

2010-08-04T09:05:00.000-07:00

Free MySpace Animations!Body and mind
Initially, when u start meditating and doing yoga in a meditative fashion, you realise that there is a big divide between two things which you thought were one -- the mind and the body. Often, the mind is still and watching the body and its antics. They are two separate things. If the mind decides, usually it seems the body will meekly follow even in situations where the body could, otherwise, fail. You sense this during sickness... this divide and this calm watching of the mind which has distanced itself from the pain.

Mind and consciousness

Then, amazingly you realise the mind is itself not a complete thing as you imagined. It is separate from the consciousness. This you realise when you meditate: as the mind rumbles and tumbles about, something behind watching is aware that it has wandered off and gently prods it back. When you catch a difficult note while singing, you realise if the consciousness is allowed to do its own thing then the note comes on its own without effort. However, if the mind is allowed to interfere, it starts labelling and sometimes call a high note (if you are beginner and don't know, as you would also in the spiritual field) a low one and make you sing in a manner to accomodate its mistake. But when the mind steps back and allows consciousness, it catches the note perfectly, without having had the need to label it either high or low. This is an amazing insight. This you can shift to life, and interpret any event as you like. And follow the consciousness and be upbeat wherever you are placed. And have that sense of doing things with no effort whatsoever:)

Consciosuness too! !!
The third stage is when you realise that this consciousness iteslf is not the complete thing you thought it was. It shuffles between several personalities it has acquired, from who you are and colours you. If you negate it, then the other -- the one who you have been chasing - will shine through. The consciousness has three textures to it -- an active (I have to do this, I must achieve that -- that sort of impulse); then the one which manipulates without label (when you choose something over other without thinking and assume the choice is good) -- the subconscious consciousness; and the third, which seems to be dead and drags you down in no-thought but which is not the dynamic no-thought of a truly realised soul(most of us shuffle in this dark dungeon, but happily:). As you learn slowly to negate any or all three of these levels of consciousness you enter another space. This is the difficult bit: the consciousness is like the double helix -- that and not quite that, with a river of endless messages which keep drawing you back to a sense of theI, and which you must finally renounce. This is a sadhana too. And I believe the most exciting one:)

This is where something comes through.. and you realise that you cannot keep on nourishing something you wish to jettison.. an amazing sense of freedom comes with that. But it can be ephemeral and make no sense in the context of the world where we live. But luckily, if you read Indian philosophy you know this is where the excitement is, all the action -- in renouncing something so subtle and so beloved that it is the greatest challenge we can face:) Renouncing the sense of the I... mmm .. an exciting place, and the greatest and only yoga!

The psychic sheath

2009-12-22T10:09:00.000-08:00

Working from the intellectual sheath, the other sheaths recede on their own. These other sheaths (four others) come in the way of your progress. (For more on this, check my blog in the main site. )

The food sheath -- with its basic needs of protection from heat/cold, hunger/thirst -- yes, it is the first need of us human, where most of us are so stuck. Some of us use this sheath to satiate the hunger of the emotional sheath, the manomaya kosha. The emotional sheath is where the ego resides. Very noisy, demanding place, this sheath. Most humans pass their entire lives here, in this sheath, even the ones who we see as achievers. This is the ruination sheath -- a consuming place. You dream for moksha is sacrificed on its altar.

The neutral third sheath, is where your life force prana, resides. It can work both ways, since it is a bridge between your higher and lower self. Prana, your breath is a tool, but it can be severely affected by your strength and your weaknesses. Just as a tool may be useful in the hands of a strong person or slip and be ineffective in the hands of a weak one, prana can prop you up or draw u under.

Interestingly, it is not tough to work from the psychic sheath, the fourth sheath. It is a matter of intense awareness. This awareness, as to which of your sheaths is now dragging you or leading you, comes from constant meditation. It is where you learn to step back and watch yourself, as you flow between these sheaths. Once the awareness is constant, the choice is more easily made. In a way this happens on its own.
Your psychic sheath simply comes to the foreground of your mind and things happen on their own. The ego will constantly try to reassert itself. The manomaya kosha seeking to tear off the psychic sheath. This constant wear and tear happens inside till your sadhana relieves you from this battle ground, inside yourself. When the battle stops, when the psychic sheath is experienced as a constant, you get a glimpse of that bliss that the books and mystics promise. A peek into the ultimate:)

When it is all clear

2009-11-20T01:54:00.000-08:00

There is already great calm -- but since the mind(jiva) is unused to it, it tries to rustle up chaos (this living, these needs, these emotions, fears, dislikes:) to suppress that great calm.

Then there is an anxiety that has been whipped up -- a great need to do, that creates an even bigger wake of anxiety, since this is all part of what you rustled up, to suppress that calm. Such a tsunami of anxiety, created in the desperation to suppress that calm, where That dwells, waiting...

Then the calm happens on its own -- despite the chaos and the thunder of what all you do to suppress it

Then, it seems that there is nothing but that -- the mind, the jiva's clarifies itself, settles to watching that calm --

Since it is the tool that has to be used, at least now, then you also (the mind) slips into that state of calmness...Everything is still, the anxiety you yourself created recedes. The mind remembers That. Such peace.

It is in that space in the doing of something, where the watching mind multi-tasks effortlessly -- choosing an action, or dumping an action, or does something or even does not do something. You are intimately aware of all these motions of the mind, its vrittis. Then the mind allows itself to chose its course of action. In that, suddenly, when all the vrittis are clear and mind choses, you understand, perhaps we humans can say yes, there is indeed something called free will. So, where does not arise, that wisdom?

It comes on its own... sometimes the grace... maybe when the divine remembers u. And feels sorry for having tortured you that much, so long:)

Why strain?

2009-11-18T03:49:00.000-08:00

This is an hypothetical situation. Suppose you are with your husband. A woman decides to catch his attention. You get distracted by her antics. Your mind shifts to that woman. Depending on your personality type, you have various reactions -- u may quarrel with your husband; you may fight with the woman; you may choose to see the woman as sad and feel sorry for her; you may fume about her for long. Whatever you do, this woman has managed to come between you and your husband.

So, too who is that who comes between you and the divine? Is a situation or is it you yourself?

When you go deeper into sadhana, this is a terrible state when you realise finally that something has come between you and That. Who is that someone? We like to think it is the external factor -- however, just as in the above situation though there is, indeed a woman who is indulging in annoying antics -- it is not her who comes between you and your beloved. It is your own mind. It is you yourself.

This is disturbing to a meditator for several reasons. Because the onus has suddenly shifted from the external trigger/factor to you yourself. How then can u handle this? To tell oneself this, that I myself stopped loving my husband or beloved for a few seconds because I allowed the external factor to step in.. as my mind dwelled on that, I shifted my mind from my beloved to some vague irritant. This is disturbing for the simple reason you feel that you could control the external trigger -- even if you must move away from that.For instance, as in the above incidence you can just move off from that woman. However, in this awareness where you yourself come between yourself and your beloved, where to move and how to move and in which direction.

This is disturbing because it seems far easier to control something that is outside of ourselves than something within ourselves. This thing that is the self-jiva-awareness -- it rises into a crescendo, like some irritating tinnitus in the ear that cannot be wished away. If the noise came from outside, you could shut it off. Plug your ears. But if it came from within where to run?

This is where you strain and struggle... You yourself, having come between yourself and That.

Then there is all those associated emotional turmoil that even greater souls than us have experienced.

The sense of panic -- like a child would, having been torn from its mother. The yearning to get back.

The sense of extreme despair -- of separation, like you would if you quarreled with someone you love, and wish to make up, but cannot since some silly ego (really silly:) gets in the way.

The sense of intense loneliness -- so close, but having shut yourself out of the presence, like a cold war between two people deeply in love -- lonely, alone, despite being together.

The sense of strangeness -- since you know your beloved is there, where you wish to go, but you are in a crowd which does not know him, so you do not know whether you may talk of him, to ease the longing or keep quiet since they do not know what he is all about --

The worst -- you know he is just a hair breadth away, yet you do not know the magic thing that will make him materialise where you feel him keenly -- and know that it is you yourself who have locked yourself away from him, and thrown off the key... such a separation, from that which is pure and beloved..

Straining

2009-11-10T08:07:00.000-08:00

When re u straining... Let's take a small example...

Suppose you are sitting and singing. The neighbour decides to irritate you and starts playing rock music loudly what could u do? U can fret about this. You can fight with the neighbour. U can suggest calmly for him to stop. Or you can shut the door and if the noise is shut off, continue singing. Or you can sing over the noise. Or you can stop singing till he switches off. Or you can sing elsewhere. Which of these options is wise.

In a spiritual person's life, the options to a situation are limitless. The solutions are never easy. There is a lot of agonising. Part of being a meditator is that you worry that you are not choosing a right option. This can cause immense strain in whatever u are doing. Some of us strain at the event. Some of us strain at the options. Some of us strain at the choices we have made. Some of us strain at the results of what we have chosen. Some of us strain at all these things. Imagine how exhausting life is for one who has chosen to be spiritual, because the strain of these things get to be overwhelming:) If life were about just being good or being human it would not matter. There the rules are clear. But a spiritual person extends his or her scope beyond these limited living. So then, how to handle this straining, even though we do know --at the heady level of philosophical and Indian mystic sayings -- that everything plays itself out and will run its course. Karma is in even the small moments --nothing happens that is not part of larger pattern. In that case what are we straining at? Why are we straining? . Sri Ramana Maharishi puts this down neatly when we suggests that once we have boarded a train we must place the luggage down, and settle down since the train is moving on its own. If we continue to keep the luggage on the head, then then it is our folly which makes us believe we are carrying it. Now the train is carrying. We must let it down, drop it..

Now this can be really really tough. Through history you can see immense conflicts have happened because people have strained at choices...
What should one do? How does one stop straining

Here I am stuck:(

The answer will reveal itself, when it will...

At least I am not straining at the answer:)

Duality: it is only within

2009-11-04T06:55:00.000-08:00

The strangest -- and perhaps the nicest thing -- about not being a perfect human being is that you learn along the way what all was inferred by the saints. It is a wonderful experience because it is in the flaws, in the problems ones learns the extreme truths.

One of these things is that when somebody or something bothers you, the initial reaction is for us to wish it away. Actually if you have gone deeper into sadhana you suddenly infer that neither the problem outside nor the person outside is the cause of your distress. Within yourself there are three states (is that what Christ referred to when he spoke of father, son and holy spirit; and is that the trinity other scriptures talk about; is that the Brahma, Vishnu, Shiva principles?). In psychology, is this what they call the Parent-Adult-Child in ourselves?
There is one extremely jumpy, reactive, silly, gadding about self (Jiva?) which has to do, think, live and suffer and feel. All that it does is as if in offering to the other one, which is silent. In a way, this silent one is indifferent to all that is being offered. Yet, the jiva suffers to make these offerings. When the offering fits its definition of what must be offered, the Jiva believes itself happy. An illusory calm keeps it happy. But this is a foolish calm because the definition of offering is made by the jiva itself -- which clearly does not know enough. If it did, it will know well, that the other one does not want anything So, for this jiva, if the offering (largely made in terms of how it thinks, what it likes, what it does, its thoughts, its livingness -- all of which is constantly offered up). If it does not fit the definition, it suffers and struggles. Yet, not realising just how foolish that is, since the Other one, it is silent, and indifferent. Then, the third state, where if we reach, we can be truly happy. Because this state is the one which watches both and understands at once the silent and the suffering one. In the witnessing self one gets closer. We suffer when we do not realise these three distinct states in ourselves. When the split is complete then things don't frighten us any more, simply because we do not have to control anything. Watching ourselves, we realise the folly of our attempt to offer to that one which does not care for any offering. Then, the struggle recedes a bit. But life times' of practice/habits (karmic cycle) drags you back to the pattern of suffering. When we remember the three selves, we move back from the jiva (a temporary self, at the most but with the power to sabotage things whose stakes are very high). When we remember and deny that (neti, neti) or ask ourselves the Vedantic question (Who am I? Ko ham) then we are in the state of self-remembrance Atma samarpanam. This becomes the sadhana. This is a very happy place. It may not yet be complete, but one has absolute faith in the ultimate truth. The path may not be clear. But the destination becomes very distinct. There is no doubt. Despite all the madness of the jiva, you know you may well escape its own tangles and tentacles.

Moments of extreme clarity

2009-10-28T09:43:00.000-07:00

Everything falls in place during meditation. But reality bites when u open your eyes. And already the intuition u felt is swept away. This is also the play of Maya. She does not like u to reach the goal, teasing you sometimes with sleep sometimes with dullness of mind, as happens after your lucid thinking. It is amazing. But u can give up fighting that. The veil opens when it chooses. We are lucky to catch a glimpse. But the veil slips back. And u feel you had only dreamt it all.

U can remember. U can do. You cannot both remember and do. The mind can accommodate only one task. If you remember and things get done any case. Here u can think of what u do when you struggle with a musical note you wish to catch. Sometimes getting the right attitude can help u catch the tune faster, without effort. Sometimes mulling a lot and splitting the tune into its technical aspects will help you get the tune.
If you use the first trick (drawing similar parallels to how we may train that slippery mind) of attitude, there is one catch. Sometimes you get the tune right, sometimes wrong. So, that is why while the attitude may help u catch on to a tune fast, you must still clean it up technically and break it up.

If you use the second tech (again using the same analogy for what u wish to do with your mind), then the problem here is that you split up the tune so much that the whole attempt sounds jerky. The breaks in the sound pattern are more pronounced and they jar. And this break in tune can make u sound nervous and actually tuneless.

So clearly using just one tech does not work, though each has its strengths. So also with the mind-watching.

Do u just remember? Do you just do? The thing is that as with the musical note, both aspects have to be constantly a reference in our minds as we perfect our skills at that task. U may try them individually initially. Then together. The main focus, u remember while singing, is that of the attitude. the tune falls around it gracefully. As u swing into the attitude, you must remember also the technical breaks.
But you must not seek to do. You must just remember. This is the toughest part of the whole attempt actually and again a big hurdle. Because when we remember we also seek to do. That can cause that jerky, nervous singing. Remembering calmly is all that is required. The doing happens around it.

Now, if we could do that in the living that will be another place we have reached in our minds. Free.

Vi-yoga: the split personality

2009-10-26T23:49:00.000-07:00

Vi-yoga means the split, the yoga between two different awareness. It has been variously examined by our texts.

A distinct split happens, at a particular stage of your sadhana. U split between the soul and the wannabe:)
The soul may do anything and does nothing. It is constantly centered, watchful and peaceful. It gives in the sense of that peculiar love state described in Indian rasas as santa: being with one, loving silently. Oozing love gently, without asking anything in return.
If you can touch base with this core, that is yoga. The jiva slips and twirls and slithers and struggles. In that struggle, it loses sight of That. If you can remember that there is a struggle happening, already you have progressed to some state of subtle awareness. However, for a meditator the difficult hurdle comes here. because the meditator believes that calmness must come without the awareness of the struggle around: however, when u realise being calm invariably also bring a very heightened state of awareness, your sense of struggle vanishes.

The most difficult hurdle, to repeat, is where the calmness is felt, surrounded by the struggle. The difficult thing for the meditator is to accept the awareness of these two states. Then every struggle that is sense about the core of calmness only serves to highlight the peace. Then, bliss!

Does one want to be a saint? :)

2009-10-22T06:19:00.000-07:00

The foolish ones amongst us, who watch our minds, are hoping to:)

There are several stages to this mind business. The first stage, as one starts off with some basic discipline (even if it be in controlling how much one eats) is to become suddenly aware that the mind is gadding about. It is running riot. There is no free will really. This can be rather shocking. But at least that is a start, however frustrating.

The second stage, most difficult and where the answers don't come so easily, is where the watcher is watching the mind and is keenly aware that it has run away. Well, if the meditator is aware the mind is grazing, not tied to oneself, that is still progress. However, if one is aware the mind has wandered, then where does it go? And if one is aware the mind is grazing and not with us, then why is it simply not possible to tie it to us, as we so desperately wish to? For a long while, most meditators get frustrated or stuck at this point. The mind is just grazing. It is as foolish as asking a cow where it is grazing. It is grazing here. It is grazing there. Aimlessly:) It has some hunger that makes it graze. So, at the point one drops the question, stops being frustrated (so far off, from where we start) then that is still progress.

But if it is grazing and you want the mind tethered, why is that not possible? That is because, just like any old hungry cow, the mind has a hunger that compels it to graze. This hunger arises from the ego's need to survive, recreate itself. In every casual thought, (like a blade of grass) it seeks to revive itself. Whether it be an opinion (She is so sick, I like that book, the ego as the good person or the intellectual respectively) or it be lecturing your student in your mind (the ego as the teacher) the ego feeds itself. It is the hunger of the ego that makes the mind wander about.

So, to stop the mind from grazing, you need to squash that hunger, that ego. That is the last stage. The difficult part in this stage, and a lot of good people get stuck here, is when having made all those attempts to kill the ego, we leave one drop of blood in it intact (I feel so good to have made that choice, or it is the grace that made me chose this path -- the good ego), then the ego just revives itself once more. The proverbial blood of the asura/demon in mythologies, from which spring thousand, nay, million replicas of the demon. So here is where you keep falling and falling. Often perhaps not knowing the slide has been steep... Like the snake and ladder game. Go up some, come down more. The Red Queen in Alice in Wonderland. Just running to stay in one place. However, maybe it is not so tough after all.

So, as Vivekachudamani says, you must use rajas to drive away tamas (the mind running riot), and use sattva to control rajas (the mind grazing) and then use Brahman to control sattva (the good soul). Then, that is the trigunarahita stage, transcending all the three gunas. And you are a saint:) You would not mind if the world is burning. Or if you are burning. Everything recedes and you see Maya's trick for what she is...

There are scarce, rare moments, when the ego recedes and something still remains. Like the determination in an act, invisible but felt, this feeling is That.

No struggle

2009-10-20T06:08:00.000-07:00

At a particular point in the sadhana, the struggle will cease automatically. As long as the sense of struggle lasts, there will be deep depression because of the sense of longing, mumukshutva. This is natural, though a terrible state. But it seems to have afflicted all saints. At a particular point, when the answers to how you may address this torture of the jiva mistaking itself for atman stops confusing you, you feel on a high. But this is a peculiar thing, that it has nothing to do with you. It comes on its own. You are doing all those foolish things you did before. You continue to struggle being a human. Yet, somewhere the questions have been answered. There are no doubts. You have made the choice. Even earlier, you may have made the choice. But the strange thing that is Maya drags you back, and you are not even aware. Now, as she drags you back and you feel her subtle tentacles, yet you float above that miasma she creates, unaffected by her grip. This is a a terrific high. She is there. You do feel her. Yet, you know that she, grinning at you, will pass. She too knows she has no hold on you any more. It is now some sort of a playful thing, as you live on. She stops frightening you, with the living. But that sort of takes a long, long while. Till then, even those people who see all sorts of things in their meditation, and are calm, are sattvic, are great beings, yet, they have not felt this losing of grip of maya. They are still far off from this peculiar release -- of being aware of maya and yet unaffected by her. That bypasses them, for some reason. Somewhere, perhaps, it happens when you drop of the sense of self altogether. Make difficult choices that will not work for the ego any more. This is where the transition takes place, without you actually having worked too hard. The only thing you do here is to chose right. See the things twined, but select that which seems not there at all. Select something that will not work for you in this world... and then, things unravel.
Such a high, as never before. You are almost realised:)

Anxiety and anger

2009-10-16T01:19:00.000-07:00

Part of sticking to the sadhana -- like u would to a boat in a chaotic ocean -- is that it protects you from the churning outside. In us, this churning, as we discussed is also due to the secret, hidden, sly eddies of patterns. The two most, difficult to remove patterns in ourselves, are that of anxiety and anger.

You would notice that though we think a particular situation excites anxiety and anger, actually the pattern of anxiety and anger is what arises when the situation confronts. The situation itself, even the worst one, neutral. It is our patterns which are thrown up in an extreme situation. For instance, if you have used anxiety as a pattern with which to do a task, you will find that this is the pattern that arises, even if the task is pleasant. Amazingly, this goes on and on. And since anxiety is a negative feedback loop it creates all its associated fall-outs -- thus making us tired, old and unable to sustain our interest. Similarly, if anger is how you review a situation, this is the pattern that will arise, even after a task has been completed well. It is the pattern that repeats itself since we are not aware. Even a firm meditator is tripped by these two patterns since they are not apparent patterns -- like hunger, or thirst, or anticipation. They swarm below, in the subconscious and arise from different directions. How you can deal with these then, that are, ostensibly aeons old -- since they are also given a green signal biologically since both anxiety and anger were patterns that were created to save the individual organism.

You will find that if you start a task and are aware of the rising pattern, then the pattern can recede ... If u wish it to recede. But this sort of awareness is very subtle. Because if anxiety(or anger) has been created as a start-up emotion in your dealings then pattern arise in a cloud of static -- neuronal firing -- that can subsume your intention. It takes a long while to cultivate a practice of watchfulness. Then talking back to that-- another skill altogether!

One sadhana: one focus

2009-10-12T23:50:00.000-07:00

So, in a way sadhana acts like a boat, that takes you over the turbulence of your own mind whose only instinct is the constant need to recreate itself. This natural, biological, neurochemical turbulence is ideal for this sort of reinvention. One, it provides many possibilities for the mind to invent itself. Also, it is where eddies of patterns, ancient (sanchita and prabhda karma and your samskaras, from 8.4 lakh lives, as Shankaracharya says, lie hidden). Even the turbulence of your mind can be handled (if you are in safe, strong boat/sadhana). But what do you do about the eddies, the hidden, cunning ones that draw the boat down, set to drown you?

You will find out the patterns are stubborn. They seem to have been won over. But the victory is short-lived. Like in those thriller films you may seen, the eddy is where your boat gets stuck. You cannot move, even as the turbulence of your mind rolls over you. Here is where some of us get stuck -- sadhana notwithstanding. It can even break the boat. It's intent, to sink you:)

A lot of spiritual anger one feels comes from this... How do you break that eddy, that relentless pattern.

Here, it is again, that act of grace. If you keep on trying, continuing in a state of faith (not religiously, but spiritually) sure that something will crack this relentless drag, then...

That is what all the scriptures say: be steadfast. Hang on, spiritually. That needs a lot of courage. But more than that, a great thirst... Can the turbulence, and the drag of the eddy, tire you from your hold ... fling you back, so you have to start all over?

8.4 lakh lives, not knowing. Being flung back, again and again:(

To trick the mind into renouncing

2009-10-12T02:25:00.000-07:00

However, not many of us can renounce steadfastly. In fact, as you meditate you realise, this state arises on its own. Without your own contribution. It comes from a place of devotion, even in the jnani, and seems entirely to be an act of grace. Because if you try too hard, the mind resists this state. It also has its own subtle, intellectual tricks about how to subvert your intention. You think you are renouncing, but it has climbed back to its perch (the Bikram and vetal story, in essence:)

So how does one do this?

In psychology or neuroscience, to be precise, you can backstage (this is called backward masking, technically) an event in the mind. Overwhelm the mind with one task so that its focus acts in discarding other associations, sensations and thoughts. This is where the discipline of a steady practice/sadhana comes in handy. Perhaps, rituals like mantra japa/rosary/tabeez all help in that. When you do a nirguna mantra, and hear its syllables in your own voice reciting it in your mind (this is the only way to do japa chanting, since otherwise again the mind runs off wayward, back to its loops:) then the mind begins the torturous task of renunciation. Torturous because every few seconds, it forgets its task and has gone off, looping itself yet again. And again. . Then the act of remembering gets you back to your intense renunciation.

Here, the path begins.... But for many of us, the sense of being stuck in one place, with this task can be overwhelming. Even annoying. Here is where Patanjali's call of shraddha/faith actually makes sense. You stay in that spot (like the Red Queen in Alice in Wonderland, running to stay in one place) and renounce/recite relentlessly. Things then fall in place...

Ultimate renunciation

2009-10-10T09:54:00.000-07:00

There are two ways in which the sense of oneself, as `I', arises. And both have to be constantly, incessantly, without stop, discarded, if one really wants to reach where one has set out, spiritually. This is the highest renunciation. Which explains why, not so intriguingly, all ancient texts say that the person (Jnani) can do what he/she wants once self-realised. Which explains Dattatreya or Janaka....But that is some other subject altogether. Here, what is being discussed is that simply, even as the sense of what one is experiencing -- in the two ways that one normally feels oneself -- is discarded, then something is won in that spiritual battleground where the unreal (felt so very real) and the Real (not felt at all, but there all the time) are pitted against one another.

Below, the two ways in which the sense of I, what is referred to as Ahamkara (or the ego self, in yoga) arises:

One, it comes from within, incidental to who you are and therefore what you feel. For example, you feel, I am a woman. I wish to marry a man. I wish to bear a child. I wish my child to be the best in the world.I am envious of her. Etc. Etc.Etc. I am a yoga teacher. I like this asana. I hate that practice. Anything or everything everything that arises from what oneself feels... This is created by so many details (samskaras) of who one is -- gender, nationality, factors even like genetics, profession, period in which you are born, so many things to create the soup of what you are as a person.
The core thrust of such an event, is, thus: I am feeling irritated. I am feeling happy etc.I am feeling this, I like that, I do not like that (raga/dvesha).

Two, it also comes from external triggers. He has irritated me. She is making me happy etc. The movie is lousy (meaning, I do not like the movie).

Both types of experiencing life, and oneself, constantly recreates the illusion of an `I', which even neuroscientists are finding out, is quite an illusion. But since this sense of the I is a steadily flowing, creating hte illusion of one solid image, we are attached to it. We have no choice. It obsesses us. So we need sensations (vrittis), feelings (even negative, and often negative ones) to help us constantly recreate the illusion of the self.

But for a serious meditator, there is only one goal -- this continuous discarding of both experiences.

Clearly, this is not everybody. Because it means a disintegration of a reference point. Without that, you could simply go mad. Or become realised:)

As Osho says, the lunatic and the saint, both are mad. But the lunatic does not know he is mad. The saint does.
So, an extreme sensitisation to this swirling twigs and flotsam of I, as they arise, and to constantly discard them even as they flow past ... That is where the you can discover That, of which they speak in glowing terms. Only after the constant debris of the I has been cleared.

The I-question

2007-10-04T11:42:00.000-07:00

Ramana says ask yourself Who am I?
It is a fabulous question because if you remain at it, you can come to a state of void. For instance, let us take the case of someone who wants to go on stage and give a speech but is fearful and anxious. If he asks himself, `who am I?' how will he answer this?
This way?
Am I the one who is afraid I will make a fool of myself? Or am I the one who wants to break this loop of fear? Am I the one who is conscious of both these sides to myself? O am I the one who is unaware of these two sides to myself? Am I the one who is doing something to break this pattern (attend speech-giving workshops), or am I the one who has been evading this responsibility. Am I the one who evaluates this `cowardice'?Am I the one who pities this person who is unable to break this loop because of his past conditions(poverty, lack of opportunity, critical parents, elders)? Am I the one who pretends I don't care, but still somewhere deep down, not even aware, that I am constantly evaluating and criticising my inability to give the speech? Am I the one who is unaware of these different layerings even to this simple act of giving speech? Who am I?

If I become conscious of these various swirling `I's' within, then I realise that the illusion of a single `I' suddenly shatters. Then, the illusion of yourself as a solid entity disappers. This means you have been succesful at holding on to this vichara jnana (self-inquiry) steadily. When this steady awareness surfaces, you become aware of something else. That something else is where we must head!

Ramana puts it very neatly: He says when you watch an animated movie, you don't realise that it is actually a stringing together of different individual images. But when you become aware of the individual images, then u realise there is no movie but just individual pictures. And after this awareness, you must evolve to another state of awareness where, if you keep staring at these fast moving images, you suddenly become aware of the space behind these images. Just like that, if you watch the constant movement of the `I', the ego, or jiva, constantly engaged in recreating itself, you become keenly aware of the incandescent Self behind.

Awareness is of two kinds

2007-10-04T11:16:00.000-07:00

There are two kinds of awareness. One is an awareness that is very keen, alive, tense, the ready-to-pounce, do-something kind of awareness. Another is a watchful one. The first one seems to be a more effective weapon. But actually not. Like a knife, when it is sharpened too often can become too thin, bend when it must actually thrust, this gross awareness fails when the actual action must be done. The other (subtle) awareness is a state which is aware of this `overzealous awareness'. In that sense it a consciousness, a state of mind -- not intense, but a stepping-back. Because it is very subtle, like a sword hidden in a scabbard we often worry it will not be effective in the hour of need. Also, most of us don't even know that this subtle awareness exists. Just as only a trained soldier can skilfully draw a sword out of the scabbard when it is needed, so also only an involuted, intensely aware mind can see the subtle states of consciousness within oneself. Since this consciousness is very subtle it is also difficult to whip it up in an hour of need. It cannot be cultivated. But your own awareness of this subtle awareness may, however, be cultivated. Through meditation.

When there must be something done, as your mind begins to crowd with things which need to be done (first, gross state of awareness), you must become intensely, continuously aware to tell your own mind to back off. This is very subtle, but powerful way to actually do anything in life. I have noticed, when I write something elegant it does not happen because I am agonising about the words. It happens naturally. My hard work is only involved in becoming aware of the information I wish to project. I often do not need to organise this info even. At a very subtle level, the sub-conscious has actually done all the organising, so that when I write it (the mind) automatically organises everything. In such cases, you can say I am not working, but enjoying the act of writing. So, though the action may be the same, the state of mind or consciousness are different. This is what decides the quality of work: as happens when two people do the same thing the results may vary due to their different mental awareness while doing it. If you transpose this image of two different people, and accept that we ourselves keep switching between several states of awareness, you will appreciate that a continuous state of subtle awareness which watches this constant make-overs we do to ourselves, is a more important thing. In that state, you reach a level where you do not become tired, but are in a flow. I am afraid I cannot even say it is a super-fun state because that would again bring it back to a very mundane level of words and normal experiences. Such a state of awareness is beyond all that, beyond such props. It is a state of steadiness, very pure.

So, the sum of what I have said is that we must, those of us who want to be spiritual, healthy, balanced, content, productive in life, must cultivate an awareness which is not a rajasic one, but a subtle state of consciousness which has stepped back, watching the action unfold in front. In this state there is no fear.

On words and names

2007-09-19T23:11:00.000-07:00

It is a damned thing with words that you must,
just must, use them
to reach the wordless...
and then that space in the path
where you are stuck, which they - the one's who have
reached the place of no-return -- say is the knot of words
and names. So much like the wall for a blindman,
till he finds his way,
these words, a wall that leads.
Only
the blind forgets the path,
forgets his search,
settles down
and marries the wall!

Looking back

2007-09-18T10:56:00.000-07:00

That little girl,
she keeps crying.
I wish to console her.
But then, she is myself, I.
This business of Why is a difficult thing.
Ramana says, just dump everything. You may not shift through garbage.
But there is that stubborn thing, called stench.
It sticks.
I would be free.
To stop that crying,
that background wail. Till then,
when some tear-drop swells someplace inside,
I feel it roll and swell.
Helpless, watch it as it becomes a wave.

Jettisoning the self

2007-09-18T10:24:00.000-07:00

Something waited to fall.
A tear drop swelling in readiness to fall.
But subsided from where it rose.
Something did fall off.
I felt it drop.
A scab of a self, among many.
The wound had healed.
Nothing remained.
Traceless, not even a scar.
Somethings are better dropped.