MySpace Codes!The conflict is finally rested in my mind. The last one year has been one of reaching stages, in meditation, where if you are watching the mind 24 x 7 u suddenly ubecome aware of all the options and choices before u. This may be a progress from the earlier stage where one is unaware and following instinct over intuition. That is practically where most of humanity lives its life.. but when the yoga of the mind begins, another dimension falls over your entire life...
So, now in the second stage, the difficulty is when all the options (coloured by instinct, intuition) jam the mind and u feel stifled by those choices. There is a tremendous noise as the options occur, in that split second, which is our life most of the time:) Our life is in the split second choices we make.We are not determined by our big choices, but our actions in the small ones. In the big choices we are governed by our gender, our profession, our family, our upbringing. But in the small choices we step aside from these,and here is where the sense of I rushes up with a clamour. And I realise we feel tired by not having made the right choice. Or if you made the right choice, you feel tired by the self-criticism that a self-protective part of you directs at you. It is a sort of continuous inner static!! Most people when they say they don't have time, they only mean they are in that state of disorganised, confused mind-set where their choices are not yet clear before them, and they are doing nothing to resolve it. But sleeping it off, avoid doing things which are good for them (like yoga) hoping it will go away. As if it ever does:)
So, now as the options tumble out, in moment which is less than a second, it becomes really tough to chose, if you are a novice. These choices are not all same-hued. They are not just choices for self-protection, or self-projection (which is again where most of humanity functions). Self-protective choice is an instinctive response, natural for most of us. The self-protective choices are natural . They are easy to make. But here, in this spiritual maze, the options include self-denying ones which can be directly in contradiction to the larger and common idea of self-protection! So, not only are u tossed for choice. You also wonder if you are wimp to chose things that smash and crash into you! Eg: would u give as much love to a nymphomaniac student who would steal your husband if you turned your back as you would a more dedicated disciplined student!! Would u give the same loving, attentive focus to the student who does not want to pay u money, as the one who does? You get the point??? That sort of choice... :)
Yes, so I toss over such questions:)
MySpace Codes!
Hey, but I like it when Jesus says show the other cheek. I love him for it. We all do. Yet, when we are asked to make a spiritual choice we wonder if we are wimps. This can be completely confusing for a spiritual novice. Same also, when Prophet Mohamed is constantly reviled and does not bother to respond as he tries to get across his idea of a God who is all-pervasive -- you love him for it. There are incidents where he is spat upon, and he does not bother about it. Nor does he lose his cool when the avenging woman who splits-eats the liver of a relative in the war is brought before him, and he spares her death.. So many famous incidents where he shows his disregard for personal insult. The same goes for Lord Buddha.. the several times Ajatsatru tries to dislodge him,and all those attempts to trap him or murder him, including by high-caste priests rattled by his reformist zeal that will deny them their pedastal, pomp and power. How indifferent Buddha is to that. So also with all other saints. So, like my daughter told me," Mom, you are struggling because you are trying to be like those whom you admire". Yes, but when I love them I love them because they are examples of what I want to be.. internally I mean:) I believe that is what each of the saint and prophet wants from their followers. I don't think they want anybody to fight over their reputation -- they never cared for that while alive. But that they want them to follow their way of being, living. So, yes, there we all get stuck, if we aspire...
So, it is in the being like them that I find the biggest difficulty -- They are saints, but if I tried to copy them, I am a coward! My mind can then get tizzy, splitting itself, one choosing what must be done, the other, standing on the sidelines, heckling me constantly... that conflict was so unendurable!!
Tossed, tortured, and thrown about. However, suddenly, last week, since I started this entire inward journey, the conflict resolved on its own. When u don't bother too much about that, but are aware of the infliction, suddenly, it is not about being cowardly, but indifferent.There is a huge difference between these two states of mind. Being indifferent comes from a state of confidence. It is not the same as stepping back. But walking on, indifferent. Suddenly, this conflict is settled. I am at peace.
The world feels right once more.
Interestingly, this has upped my energy levels. I wake up at 3.30 or 4 without the alarm clock. I do my sadhana completely, with extended stays in each pose, largely without effort. There is more time suddenly, to do more, than before.
The question has been settled!!
MySpace Codes!
Then, to move on, from here...
Where??
... to be cont.:)
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