This happened at the Vipassana center. The second time I went. I had the arrogance of a serious meditator, who had been `serious' the first time round too:) That happens with spiritual people, the rise of such a subtle arrogance that it can bypass the juding, objective mind!
The lady in front was wearing a low waist sareee, over which her stomach drooped. Her pallav seemed to keep slipping between her huge breasts. And possibly with the same judgemental thot that could hit anybody, I thot, 'Why is she here! This place is not for people like her..." and something to that effort. But fortunately for me, just as soon as that thot came, another came, to stifle it:"U are meditating? This is your idea of meditating, believing u love the world but secretly judge it so harshly?? " So, there were options -- of two thots -- I could identify with. Both had risen from the ego -- one, `bad'; the other,'`good'.
Then finally a third one came, for which I am thankful, which said, "These are thots that just came up. U don't need to identify with either. Step back." All this happens in less than a fraction of a second. Plus, it is not all laid out in a verbal format.. Plus, they are not individual ones. These are slivers of thots, layered, so u may think they are one. But I realised that once u reacted to the thot, it became u. If u did not react, u could keep it aside. The first thot just came... possibly it would be natural to most observant people. The second one, in the guise of spiritual observer, also was dangerous, because if u identified with that, then u, by proxy, identified with the first one too!!! A lot of spiritual anger -- mine esp -- comes from that, where the anger turns upon oneself (for being a judgemental bitch:), plus because u end up reacting and mulling over these thoughts which slip back and forth between judging, suppressing. The judging thot tries to find rationalisation for judging, and the suppressing thot, tries to reason that out. A lot of subconscious garbage is generated this way. So I just stepped back, seeing the thot as it came, deciding, it was a thot, and I was choosing not to associate with it. And I was not going to react to me reacting either! This is where I had been stuck a long while too, and can be the very hell, because thots will not be suppressed or talked out of... U can only disassociate yourself from them! If u watch them, suddenly, it is easy to step aside. Not associate with any thought. And this disassociation is not a matter of technique, but a matter of sheer, pure practice.A constant meditation, a regular practice, and dedication. Then, lo, suddenly, u can watch thots, feelings as they swim up through the `thousand gates of your mind'. The overview, in a fraction of a second, over the thots gives u the natural ability to step aside.
The most amazing part of the story is not all that to-fro morality over a simple, irrelevant thot. That was just the build-up. The amazing thing, is that at the end of the course, the lady comes to hug me. She says that having people like me made her vipassana experience beautiful. This hit me between the eyes. What did she feel? Here I was trying to step my ego aside in not judging her, and she felt love. It seemed to me rather clear that if my ego stepped back, if I willed a thought away, something came through that was not I. That was beautiful because it was not born of the ego. I was thunder-struck.
And no, the story is not yet over.
As we left the Alandi center (it is off Pune, so u must use a state transport bus to reach-leave it), we were bunched up at the gate, forlorn. The state bus was cancelled. The first time, this had happened. And going back to Pune can be an awkward adventure u don't want, esp after an intensive silent retreat.
As I was wondering what I was to do, an old fiat drives up from inside. That lady again. Some of her `friends' (some people form groups even though that is not encouraged and these girls were with this woman that way) moved ahead, hoping for a lift. I wondered which of the two she will ask in. Then, she points out to me," Come, come. I was searching inside the center and rooms for you, for half hour. I wanted to give u a lift till Pune." !!!!
Really. This was a powerful Oh-Lord moment for me. I felt that just the fact that I had set aside a thot (both the good and the bad) that rose from ego towards her meant she felt some great love that flew through us both, connecting us together. I had not done anything at all to encourage the deep warmth she displayed to me. Yet, here she was, choosing me over the others who were ostensibly closer to her, feeling an affection that rose from something else.
Often, I realise this is what my meditation is all about: The overview which tells me if a thot is ego-laced. And the stepping back. This is meditation for me. And things open. Spaces I have not been to. Even in my mind.
Life is so simple, so beautiful, so powerful when u get into that ego-less place.
The lady in front was wearing a low waist sareee, over which her stomach drooped. Her pallav seemed to keep slipping between her huge breasts. And possibly with the same judgemental thot that could hit anybody, I thot, 'Why is she here! This place is not for people like her..." and something to that effort. But fortunately for me, just as soon as that thot came, another came, to stifle it:"U are meditating? This is your idea of meditating, believing u love the world but secretly judge it so harshly?? " So, there were options -- of two thots -- I could identify with. Both had risen from the ego -- one, `bad'; the other,'`good'.
Then finally a third one came, for which I am thankful, which said, "These are thots that just came up. U don't need to identify with either. Step back." All this happens in less than a fraction of a second. Plus, it is not all laid out in a verbal format.. Plus, they are not individual ones. These are slivers of thots, layered, so u may think they are one. But I realised that once u reacted to the thot, it became u. If u did not react, u could keep it aside. The first thot just came... possibly it would be natural to most observant people. The second one, in the guise of spiritual observer, also was dangerous, because if u identified with that, then u, by proxy, identified with the first one too!!! A lot of spiritual anger -- mine esp -- comes from that, where the anger turns upon oneself (for being a judgemental bitch:), plus because u end up reacting and mulling over these thoughts which slip back and forth between judging, suppressing. The judging thot tries to find rationalisation for judging, and the suppressing thot, tries to reason that out. A lot of subconscious garbage is generated this way. So I just stepped back, seeing the thot as it came, deciding, it was a thot, and I was choosing not to associate with it. And I was not going to react to me reacting either! This is where I had been stuck a long while too, and can be the very hell, because thots will not be suppressed or talked out of... U can only disassociate yourself from them! If u watch them, suddenly, it is easy to step aside. Not associate with any thought. And this disassociation is not a matter of technique, but a matter of sheer, pure practice.A constant meditation, a regular practice, and dedication. Then, lo, suddenly, u can watch thots, feelings as they swim up through the `thousand gates of your mind'. The overview, in a fraction of a second, over the thots gives u the natural ability to step aside.
The most amazing part of the story is not all that to-fro morality over a simple, irrelevant thot. That was just the build-up. The amazing thing, is that at the end of the course, the lady comes to hug me. She says that having people like me made her vipassana experience beautiful. This hit me between the eyes. What did she feel? Here I was trying to step my ego aside in not judging her, and she felt love. It seemed to me rather clear that if my ego stepped back, if I willed a thought away, something came through that was not I. That was beautiful because it was not born of the ego. I was thunder-struck.
And no, the story is not yet over.
As we left the Alandi center (it is off Pune, so u must use a state transport bus to reach-leave it), we were bunched up at the gate, forlorn. The state bus was cancelled. The first time, this had happened. And going back to Pune can be an awkward adventure u don't want, esp after an intensive silent retreat.
As I was wondering what I was to do, an old fiat drives up from inside. That lady again. Some of her `friends' (some people form groups even though that is not encouraged and these girls were with this woman that way) moved ahead, hoping for a lift. I wondered which of the two she will ask in. Then, she points out to me," Come, come. I was searching inside the center and rooms for you, for half hour. I wanted to give u a lift till Pune." !!!!
Really. This was a powerful Oh-Lord moment for me. I felt that just the fact that I had set aside a thot (both the good and the bad) that rose from ego towards her meant she felt some great love that flew through us both, connecting us together. I had not done anything at all to encourage the deep warmth she displayed to me. Yet, here she was, choosing me over the others who were ostensibly closer to her, feeling an affection that rose from something else.
Often, I realise this is what my meditation is all about: The overview which tells me if a thot is ego-laced. And the stepping back. This is meditation for me. And things open. Spaces I have not been to. Even in my mind.
Life is so simple, so beautiful, so powerful when u get into that ego-less place.
1 comment:
I do a bit of yoga myself (I'm your regular ambitious-but-indisciplined student). These ego- and thought-mazes and puzzles you describe bother everyone, me too. What is habit, what is influence, what is copied, what is easy to let go, what is persistent and knotty, all these are familiar questions.
In all this confusion, a new tool for me (but one that's quite ancient) that has helped me unbelievably often, even in outside life (outside the mind, that is) is the principle of mediation - Lord Rama's principle that most things are useful within limit. It works wonders. This is just to remind that *if* you may have missed this one principle, then let me tell you, it is a great help - "A happy harmonious medium amount of everything", of course, within your context and situation.
"Maryada-purushottam Rama" is the common way to describe it - loosely "Rama - who knew his limits in all things he did".
Most tendencies of violence or judgement go away when you say - "hmmm, I'm crossing a limit, go no further".
I don't know if thinking about "Right and Wrong" is good or bad for spiritual progress, but at least in daily life, it prevents me from committing a lot of small excesses.
The better way I think would be to say - "that is an unhealthy amount of restless thinking".
Or "that is an unhealthy amount of temptation"
Or "that is unhealthy amount of judging"
Or some such thing.
This whole limit thing - when applied with soft hands - makes things so much easier for me personally.
Just thought I would let you know.
You write so honestly and openly.
Very nice.
Thanks and God Bless.
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