Monkey mind: even the intellect is suspect!

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The big thing that surfaced, after years of meditation, is the idea that one's own awareness can actually be spiritually disturbing. That the awareness becomes a trigger for extroverting the mind, and thus, it actually ruins it from its steadiness of fixed intention on THAT. It was such a shock when this surfaced, like scum on top of already turgid water. Because awareness itself was born of intense meditation..So, you suddenly appreciate what Ramana suggests -- it is work, and constant work, of meditation till your mind becomes crystal clear, from the trying...

Here is how awareness/which I  believe is triggered by the intellect (referred in yoga as buddhi) can interfere and disturb you from remembering That, if not watched out for. From the words of Swami Niranjananda in his latest book which I've just acquired: Mind, mind management and Raja yoga



Buddhi is of two types : firm and negotiable. The firm buddhi denotes firmness of nature, idea, thought and knowledge. You are not oscillating, vacillating and fluctuating in your thoughts, ideas and perceptions.  That firmness and clarity is the decided inteligence nischatyatmika buddhi, the stable buddhi. The fluctuating nature vyavasayatmika buddhi.

Most of the time, it is the negotiable buddhi that is active in you.

When buddhi is not used properly, it becomes clouded. Buddhi is also the source of all passions and desires. When vasanas become strong, then the colour of buddhi changes completely. It is similar to ink being mixed with water. If black ink is mixed into a glass of clear water the entire coulor of water will change.

Anxiety and anger

Part of sticking to the sadhana -- like u would to a boat in a chaotic ocean -- is that it protects you from the churning outside.  In us, this churning, as we discussed is also due to the secret, hidden, sly eddies of patterns. The two most, difficult to remove patterns  in ourselves, are that of anxiety and anger.

You would notice that though we think a particular situation excites anxiety and anger, actually the pattern of anxiety and anger is what arises when the situation confronts. The situation itself, even the worst one, neutral. It is our patterns which are thrown up in an extreme situation. For instance, if you have used anxiety as a pattern with which to do a task, you will find that this is the pattern that arises, even if the task is pleasant. Amazingly, this goes on and on. And since anxiety is a negative feedback loop it creates all its associated fall-outs -- thus making us tired, old and unable to sustain our interest. Similarly, if anger is how you review a situation, this is the pattern that will arise, even after a task has been completed well. It is the pattern that repeats itself since we are not aware. Even a firm meditator is tripped by these two patterns since they are not apparent patterns -- like hunger, or thirst, or anticipation. They swarm below, in the subconscious and arise from different directions. How you can deal with these then, that are, ostensibly aeons old -- since they are also given a green signal biologically since both anxiety and anger were patterns that were created to save the individual organism.

You will find that if you start a task and are aware of the rising pattern, then the pattern can recede ... If u wish it to recede. But this sort of awareness is very subtle. Because if anxiety(or anger)  has been created as a start-up emotion in your dealings then pattern arise in a cloud of static -- neuronal firing -- that can subsume your intention. It takes a long while to cultivate a practice of watchfulness. Then talking back to that-- another skill altogether!